Chris

Chris

Christopher Keelty is a writer and artist based outside New York City.
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Found this at FauxNews*:

Study: Tyrannosaurus Rex Could Outrun Most Humans

My absolute favorite line in the article is:

“While not incredibly fast, this carnivore [T. rex] was certainly capable of running and would have little difficulty in chasing down footballer David Beckham, for instance,” Manning said.

What a downer. If dinosaurs were alive today, they would wantonly devour our sexiest celebrity athletes. If David Beckham isn’t safe, what is to become of Posh? Her tiny legs couldn’t possibly outrun a dinosaur!

Just imagine… Michael Phelps, swallowed whole by Mosasaurus. Derek Jeter, unsuspectingly carried off by Pteranodon. Danica Patrick, chased down, stomped, and gored by an angry Triceratops. Even poor Maria Sharapova, no matter how hard her serve, could not possibly deter a pack of ravenous Deinonychus intent on tearing her nubile young body asunder.

On the bright side, I’d love to see Michael Vick try to body-slam a Dire Wolf**.

Thank heaven for the K-T Extinction. Our star athletes can go on displaying their toned and oiled bodies on posters promoting sexy, sexy brands without living in fear of random dinosaur attack. What a comfort.

Anyone else surprised that Faux News ran an article about prehistoric animals – with no quotes from ID advocates?

* Who, incidentally, posted the stupidest, most dim-witted looking T-rex picture I’ve ever seen. How hard is it to find a picture of a badass T-rex? I mean come on! He’s Tyrannosaurus fucking rex for crying out loud!

** I realize the Dire Wolf was not, in fact, a dinosaur. It was a Pleistocene mammal. But for the joke to work, it had to be something dog-related. Duhh.

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15 thoughts on “Study: Dinosaurs would devour our celebrity athletes”

  1. Reminds me of all those “Dinosaurs Attack!” trading cards from when I was a kid. This was great though, especially since it points out how the media was for more concerned with dinosaurs being faster or slower than dinosaurs than the actual science.

  2. hai maria,
    i should say that you are the most beautiful woman in the world as far my choice is concerned.
    if chance is given, then i would entitle you as Miss Universe for ever.

  3. thank you paritosh, you are very charming. I am, as it happens, looking for a husband. You should come to one of my tennis matches and run naked onto the court. I will tear my clothes off and fall into your arms and we will be together forever.

    – Maria

  4. My o My you know what I’ll do

    I am going to write a bit and see what happens..

    Miss Sharapova, you are beautiful, in every way possible wow!

  5. Maria, U r my favourit player, U r really beautiful and pretty. I watch every tournament of tennis, and without u… tennis is nothing! I’ll really like u and love u so much for ever

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